Top Ten Speakers that The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary should have added to their 2016 Chapel List

With the MLB trading deadline coming to an end baseball analysts all over are going to be writing up detailed lists about what team should have made what trades. This is my briefing on who Southern should have added to their 2016-2017 chapel list. Not that they need my guidance or that these speakers on my list are more qualified but I do believe they are worth considering. 

Southern posted their top chapel speakers this past Wednesday. Here’s my top ten:

Honorable mentions: Morgan Freeman, John Cena, & Bob the Tomato 

10. Paul Washer: now this is an obvious pick. Why not have your seminary make YouTube. We all have been waiting for a sequel to the famous Shocking Youth Message. It could be titled “Shocking Chapel Message.” 

9. Cri-Kee from Mulan: through the strains of dealing with  Mulans carelessness and Mushu’s lack of leadership Cri-Kee did more than a typical cricket is called to do. This cricket stands out in his demonstration of tenaciousness, bravery, and family orientedness. Surpassing Jimini Cricket and Sachin Tendilkar as the greatest cricket ever! When the “gods” called on Mushu they didn’t realize or foresee that it was the valor of a cricket that would save Mulan and save the China. Brother Yun would be proud. 

8. Jared C. Wilson: not Jarrid Wilson. The C is for Coolio because he’s got it! As Stuart Scott used to say (the ESPN guy not the old theologian) “as cool as the other side of the pillow.” 

7. Matt Foley: Southern needs this guy to remind their students to study hard or they’ll wind up being “35 years old, eating a steady diet of government cheese, thrice divorced, and living in a van down by the river!”

6. Chris Stapleton: because it must be this man’s goal to make it on every lineup in the USA. 

5. Joel Osteen’s alter ego: because what would be a silly satire list without Ole Joel? 

4. Ron Swansons mustache: what more do I need to say? The testosterone alone in this man’s mustache could defeat ten thousand Philistines. 

3. Jason Bourne: Not Matt Damon but Jason Bourne, who is giving the horror movie Saw a run for its money with how many movies it has put out. Hopefully after a striking, fearful, and action packed speech their will be a lot of “Bourne-again” believers at Southern. We all need a little Bourne in our lives. 

2. The Mama Bear from Revenant: Yes, I saw where she died after Leo brought her down. But that was a movie!!! I bet she is alive and well somewhere in Salmon country. Where she lacks in words she makes up in her ferocious looks. One look from her is like 1,000 looks from Paul Washer from the pulpit. Plus in this day in age who would fight against a bear “speaking” in chapel?

Djembe/electric drum roll for the traditional quiet baptists………………………………………………………………………,,

1. Albert Mohler’s stunt double: How else could Dr. Mohler get good rest, make all of those meetings, speak at all his conferences, take care of his family, write all his books, read all his books, and maintain his Everest of a library without an Albert Mohler double? 

That concludes my list. Who knows maybe you’ll see one of these on next years chapel speaker list.  
Image by lipscomb.edu

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